We know you like to think you are always in complete control, but let’s face it, you are definitely not in control. You want to be the best version of yourself at all times, but this is simply not possible. That would be perfection and even you, working at your very best, cannot be perfect. You are doing a great job at feeling better every day. That is your only job right now. Please continue to move, study, read, relax, and take care of your home and family every day. Do some dishes every day. Make your bed. Sweep. Take care of your pets. Prepare food that makes you happy to create and share. Love your family with all of your heart and remind them every day that you are ride or die for them.
You’ve worked very hard on retraining yourself to think smarter, faster and stronger. Your old, limiting ways at looking at the world were hurting you in many ways, and creating truly self-destructive and sabotaging behaviors.
If everyone thought the way you did (and sometimes still do), the world would be a brutal place. People would be distrustful and suspicious of each new face they saw, always questioning the selfish motives of others. They wouldn’t like each other very much, because of all the hostile things they had said and done to each other in the past. People would be lonely and living a grey scale version of the lives they were supposed to have.
In hindsight, we clearly see the buildup and peak of each serious crisis we have had to stabilize. It has been a life-long pattern of self-destruction, breakdown and escape. You are an exceptional escape artist, but you can’t run from yourself forever.
No one can keep up a false front indefinitely, and eventually the truth of life caught up to you on all levels. It’s no matter the details of how we got there, but once we arrived, we realized we had traded in our hopes for obedience and acceptance, and some part of us was no longer willing to silently suffer. In some way we demanded rebellion.
You created a big stink in your old home town, in more ways than one. You made life difficult and uncomfortable for many. We are not saying it didn’t bring necessary change, but it was a polarizing blast of something that no one was prepared for. When people are deeply hurt, they cannot help but allow that wound to leak out into the world. It would be kind to say you were very leaky back in those days.
When you effectively destroyed your career, your friendships and most of your reputation, you blew out of town without a word. That must have been very confusing to some. Others got the message that your exit had reasons, and understood that some ties are cut because they are not productive to the expansion of ones consciousness (or to the unity of ones psyche). Some people thought you got exactly what you deserved, and in the end, they were the most right of all.
Your aloneness was difficult. It was uncomfortable not to have the comfortable safety of a community filled with people who are willing to put up with your weirdness. It was even harder having to admit you made no real connections in your life that survived your personal collapse. You came to understand that in these losses were many gifts you had not considered, and the value of these gifts would change who you were becoming.
You received the gift of surrender. You received the gift of suffering. You received the gift of empathy. You received the gift of compassion. You received the gift of hard truths. You received the gift of understanding the value of who you are, regardless of what anyone else thinks.
It has been hard for you to be alone, and to work through so many of the things that were hurting your heart, but it has been worth it. It’s been a pleasure and a joy for you to learn to become embodied again. We are happy and proud that you have found a way to collect all of your best pieces and craft them into something worth saving, loving and protecting.
You don’t have to worry about being alone anymore. You are never alone when you love yourself.
Write about it so you feel better.
Write about it so others feel understood, accepted and valued.
Write to make a living record of how you helped yourself, and how great your recovery has been in EVERY SINGLE DAY. There is something beautiful in every single day, and that’s how you survived what some people don’t.
We love you xoxo
Tags: DID Behavior; Dissociative Identity Disorder; Journalling; Starting Over;, mental health, Notes from the Collective;, vulnerability