Last summer I had a difficult experience. The integration and understanding of this important piece needs to be processed separately, and I will do that at another time.
I need to get these experiences out, but some of them are so hard to go through on my own. I begin the exercise of trying to figure out what I need to learn about something that upsets me deeply. Traumatizes me. Re-traumatizes me. I use the internet, and my intuitive healing best guesses. I go in the direction that is helping, does the least harm and the most good. Win-win! Sometimes though, it doesn’t matter how proactive you are, or how educated, or how much amazing progress you have already achieved, because when you are in crisis, you can find yourself being treated like you are incompetent, inconvenient and combatative for advocating for your own rights.
My automony was denied me and my rights were violated. I was placed on a 48 hour hold, but I was back in my home area within 24 hours. In a coincidence of truly epic proportions, I nearly walked into the doctor that forced my admisssion. I hoped with all that I had in me that he understood the enormity of that fateful meeting at WalMart in the grocery section, steps from one of two front entrances, in a city that is a hour from the scene of the crime, and also an hour from the psychiatric ward where I was held unneccessarily. No meeting with me and my inner crew that is fraught with that much misunderstanding, fear and REVULSION is EVER going to lack the appearance of at least one miraculous coincidence, I assure you.
Yesterday I made reference to that occasion on a blog post at discussingdissociation.com, which discusses the necessary qualities in an exceptional therapist.
Here is my comment to her
and her reply.
It feels good to be understood. But it feels bad too, because it doesn’t mean you will get the help you need. It just means you know where you COULD get it if you had enough money to afford to get the kind of help you need, which seems to be a lot, and of the expensive variety.
It doesn’t help your financial case that you ruined a talented career, moved away from everything you knew your whole life, and pushed people away with curt and unwelcoming behavior, so you can’t even use any of your numerous skills to earn any kind of a living because no one will talk to you. You are too unpredictable! Oh, and you are always having emotions outburts as an unexpected bonus, and that is just another hurdle for you to overcome in this long, long, long road of healing.
I am tired of being nice and accomodating and pretending. I lightened my load because if I didn’t, my self destructive behavior was going to kill me. I’m tired at the most basic human place you can arrive at. And it’s still up from where I was, I just didn’t know it. I am waiting for more than lip service to the idea that kindness starts in your own community, with people who you already know.Tags: fear and dread in DID, how it all works, mental healthcare crisis, PTSD, WTF