I still find it amazing that the mind can divide things up for us, and box them away, never to be thought of again. All my life I have avoided unpleasantness, and my mind has aided me greatly in this regard by immediately dismissing anything that was upsetting, unpleasant or painful. I can barely recall most of the details of my past 10 years without working at it, and before that there is even less. I see the equivalent of mental photographs of times and places, and loose associations that are attached to those events. My visual recall for places at times is almost perfect. Those are the memories I can call most clearly into recollection, perhaps because those memories are undeniable. There is no one to be angry or guilty at the inclusion of the sight of a tree, or a building. No arguments about things that may include, incriminate or convict anyone of anything. Nothing that can be considered shocking or attention-seeking. Physical places are mostly neutral memories, so the mind feels comfortable including them in the Vault of Acceptable Things and Agreed-Upon History.
This lovely filtering system seemed to end sometime around December of 2013. I began having what can only be described as physical, intrusive, upsetting experiences that did not relate to my environment or current setting at the time. They happened when I was relaxed, alone and unprepared. They were scary and unpleasant, but while I experienced them, I would do my best to breathe, stay warm and feel safe. When they were over, I was shaken, and in one occasion, called my husband and begged him to come home from what he was doing. I convinced myself it was some kind of psychic premonition about the health and safety of one of my family.
It was the start of a melting.
In physical terms, it was the waves of experience finally hitting shore after many, many years. PTSD is no joke, and to be triggered is even less funny. It is your body having it’s finger on the gun of memory, and hitting the trigger every time someone reminds it of the past. And everything reminds it of the past.
The mind can contain many things, but eventually it reaches a saturation point, and the body takes over. I believe my most beneficial structures saw the thin veil of separateness beginning to recede, and began the process of becoming co-conscious in order to avoid a complete body-mind meltdown.
Learning about myself has been like a puzzle from me to me, that has taken many years to find, open and explore. Every day there are new pieces to put together, and the focus becomes clearer and more sharply pointed. By enduring the unpleasant pain of self-discovery, I begin to claw back the gifts of an unstructured mind begging for reorganization.Tags: DID, Dissociative Identity Disorder;, fear and dread in DID, psychiatric emergency, PTSD, the body remembers, vulnerability