Devils Advocate


I have a lot of strange thoughts, most of which I am happy to entertain. It’s a bit like boarding a train to wherever my mind feels like going. Sometimes the train derails and sometimes it takes me to an interesting destination. You never know what you’re going to get.

Lately I’ve had a lot of rumination on the concept of hell, devils and soul stealing. I know, it sounds a bit out there but hear me out.

I took this mental train to crazy town, and got off to engage in a little conversation with the Devil.

As it turns out, he is rather misunderstood. For eons people have desired to walk on the wild side, selling their soul to the devil and enjoying much mayhem and debauchery. For a long time D, as I like to call him, was totally on board. He really dug all of the bad shit that people got up to in his name. He loved the chaos created by all of those naughty people, and the lies and heartache that were born with every misdeed. He was so proud of the system he built, and of the polarity his people provided from the goody-goody God squaders. He knew people needed an outlet from all of the rules and restrictions the Bible had laid out. He knew women were powerful and sensual, and saw no need for them to keep these gifts to themselves. He knew men had evil in their hearts, and needed a way to satisfy all of their desires. He understood that the book of rules was really just a way to keep people from learning that they were really just human animals.

For a long, long time, D kept the game going. After a few milennia, he had more souls than he knew what to do with. They were falling out of his closets and drawers, spilling out into the street when he opened the doors. Eventually he realized the souls were starting to be a bit of a problem. All of these pristine souls with no experience, no time lived in human containers began to rebel. They started to go their own way, leaving D and taking their valuable energy with them.

D began to realize that when the souls left, they left him with the responsibility of what their owners were up to. This hit D hard, as he had never considered the weight of what these souls had created. It was only a matter of time before some other concerned Gods showed up on his doorstep, demanding he take responsibility for letting so many humans run wild like unparented children.

For the first time EVER, D started to feel ill. He began to experience stomach aches, pain in his head and his cold black heart would beat way too fast at times. The other gods told him he was finally understanding the consequences of losing the lost souls, while their bodies consumed more and more of the earths resources. Without souls to pay penance, D was stuck with the bill for all of this destruction and heartache.

He was beside himself with anger. How did he miss this very important realization? All behavior must balance on the scale of justice, and without a soul to take responsibility, D was on the hook.

He needed a plan, and fast.

He decided that moment to start giving the souls back. People had always been under the impression that he was stealing, instead of providing a healthy outlet to express repressed desires from the lower 3 chakras. When he attempted to give the souls back, people were not interested! They had grown to love the unrestrained life that not having a soul provided. Plus they didn’t trust D anymore, and they certainly didn’t want those old souls back. How would they continue being bad if they had to be held accountable? No thanks!

D was stuck. He was in a real pickle. He still had a bunch of souls hanging around which he no longer wanted to take responsibility for, but he could not get rid of. It was time to start making some deals.

Since the original owners of the souls no longer wanted anything to do with such pristine versions of themselves, D set about to find some people who had lost their souls in other ways who might be interested in adopting a new one. He decided to cut the souls ties with their previous body and send them to a new human home.

When he began his search he couldn’t believe how many people there were who were interested in a second chance with one of these previously-enjoyed souls. Some of them were people who were lost, or people who didn’t really have the best start in life. Some were addicted to the drugs that helped them escape. Some were on a self-imposed exile because they believed they were of no more use to anyone.

D couldn’t believe his luck. He had an opportunity to get rid of his pain and sickness, AND give some decent humans a chance to make the most out of someone else’s relinquished opportunities. It didn’t take long for the word to get out, and the souls began to fly out of his doors, heading to their new homes. The humans were a bit scared of D, as they had always been led to believe that his deals could not be trusted. However, once they began to work together, they saw that he was a pretty decent, down to earth devil who had made lots of mistakes in the past, and they decided a new life was worth the risk.

As the humans began to assimilate the new souls, they began to feel the change that this opportunity brought. For some it was a bit easier to get up every day and feel good about who they were. For others, it was a chance to start over with a fresh new soul and begin to live life again. The new owners took the responsibility of their second soul quite seriously. There was no one who would ever risk falling back into the old behaviors that made them lose their original soul in the first place.

D was really encouraged by all of the changes he had seen in the humans. They were learning how the new souls wanted to live, and they were completely immersed in making those changes happen. They started to make little changes in their behavior, which led to bigger changes in their lives. Things started to look up for them, and D felt the stirrings of a different kind of pride. He wondered how it was possible to feel this good by helping humans be better, instead of helping them be bad.

D began to experience a crisis of confidence. He had to consider which way he wanted the future of his business to go. He knew he was done with offering deals for the wicked ones. They really were bad, and they all turned on him when he got sick and needed help. Could it be that helping the ones who had never been helped was his true calling? Is it possible D had misunderstood his mission for thousands of years? Could he be the one responsible for ALL OF THE MESS the humans had created?

As the humans began to grow and expand with their new souls, they began to create more and more good things in the world. Relationships were mended and people began to work together instead of tearing each other apart. Word got out about what D was doing, and souls began to approach HIM about a relocation to one of these previously-used human bodies. Souls were tired of just existing, and were eager to expand and grow with someone who was ready.

D became very successful with his new venture, and soon received word that God himself was feeling a bit miffed about D moving into his territory. The rumbles from above were at first just whispers, but eventually a complaint was levelled that D was trying to steal Gods gig.

The accusation came out of nowhere, and D was pissed. He reasoned that these were souls that God had gave up on long ago. They had no hope, no future until he came along. God was just mad that someone was showing up and making him look bad. He had been cruising on the buzz the Bible created for so long, and he had gotten lazy and undisciplined. Everyone loved him, even feared him, and he got off on that kind of power dynamic. He also benefited from the way everyone hated D, and blamed him for all of the bad things in the world. There was no way he was giving up his role as Number One in the afterlife to that red-faced monster. He decided to launch an attack, and double down on making D’s life difficult.

God noticed how easy it was to manipulate people with religion, so he started there. He needed a bigger profile, more attention for his good works. He enlisted the help of all of his ministers and rabbis, priests and reverends. Everyone was giving God a good spin, hoping it would be enough to turn the tide, and reminding parishioners that D was no good, just a worthless demon intent on creating havoc, and ignoring all of the good work he was doing in the world. It was easy to find evil acts to blame on D, as so many people had given up their souls and no longer had a conscience to keep them acting in line.

D was backed into a corner. With so much bad press he felt certain his days in the soul dispatch service were numbered. How could he ever fight against God? Even as he considered it he knew it was impossible. He could never mobilize his followers the way that God could. God had weekly meetings, and huge houses of congregation. All D had was some shady meetings behind closed doors. Those types would never stand up for him.

As it turned out, D didn’t have all that much to worry about. Because God had been letting things slide for so long, it didn’t matter how many houses of worship he had because his attendees had lost contact with him anyhow. In the daily grind of their lives, they had little need for a God they couldn’t see, hear or touch. There were so many other important real-life things to demand their attention in the world. When God called, most of His children let the call go to voice mail. It just wasn’t a priority to show up in the world and do the things the bible demanded. It was easier to show up on Sundays in a nice outfit and do an hour of penance, and that seemed to be all that was needed to stay in the god squad. The hard work of human outreach was mostly left up to D, as these humans had long ago given up on a man in the sky saving them.

God was super frustrated. He expected more from his legions of believers, and he was angry that they were so apathetic that they could no longer tell when they were being called forth for a holy war. What had happened to his power, his command over the world?

With no way to stop D from doing his own good works, God had to begrudgingly agree to share the spotlight. God felt very uncomfortable about all of the new acceptance D was experiencing, and a bit jealous too, if truth be told.

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and that’s where i grew bored with the story and my interest faded. but i was really invested in this story for a long time, so i’m sharing it even though it never got finished. please let judd apatow see it and want to tell the story and with a better ending. this is more like a cliffhanger.

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